The Evangelical Captivity Of The Church

Inspired by conversation over coffee with my friends from church, I went looking in the files and found a letter St. Paul wrote to the modern evangelical church I had forgotten about:

You foolish evangelicals! Who has bewitched you? Everywhere you look you find the clear presentation of the Crucified God. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by signing the Doctrinal Basis or believing what you heard? Are you so idiotic? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by systematic theology? Have you gone through all the great tribulations in vain- if they really were tribulations? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you by your doctrine, or by your believing what you heard? Remember that the pagan Abraham was righteous because he had faith in God.

Understand, then, that those who have faith are descendants of Abe. Although written before Jesus came, the Hebrew Scriptures pointed towards the day when those who aren’t Jews would be reconciled by believing. Millennia before Easter, the Gospel was announced to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you”. So, those who rely on faith are blessed like Abraham, a man of faith…

[At this point the letter is obscured by maniacal handwriting in green and red pen that in capital letters just repeats again and again, “PENAL SUBSTITUTIONARY ATONEMENT!!! INERRANCY!!! REFORMERS!!!”]

… Therefore, evangelicalism was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. But now faith has come. We don’t need the tutor.

It is through our faith in Jesus that we have become sons and daughters of God. When we were baptised in the name of the God who is Trinity, we were branded forever as Christ’s. Therefore, there is neither Calvinist or Arminian, neither Charismatic nor Cessationist, there is neither Catholic nor Protestant, for we are one in Christ Jesus. And if we are Christ’s, then that has happened because of the promise made to Abraham, that has happened because of faith (not evangelicalism).

Your Correspondent, The church may be a whore, but she’s still his mother.

3 Responses to “The Evangelical Captivity Of The Church”

  1. espero says:

    What are you talking about man?

    Did we say we’re justified by faith alone? What we meant, obviously, was that we’re justified by our ability to articulate the doctrine of justification by faith when button-holed by someone doing door-to-door with the question “why should God let you into heaven?” God is very impressed with our ability to say, “I am a worthless, wretched sinner who deserves to burn forever in hell, but I’m saved by grace and washed in the blood so it’s heaven all the way for me.”

    Whereas when liberals and Catholics are asked that question, they give the WRONG answer. They think they can earn their way to heaven by being nice. Apparently. I haven’t actually met any. Anyway, no grace for them.

  2. jaybercrow says:

    That was me, obviously.

    And the non-sarcastic version of my response was:

    Yeah, baby, yeah!

  3. zoomtard says:

    This online cross-dressing you are doing will forever render me unable to distinguish between you and your wife. It will lead to all sorts of embarrassing social situations when we’re all being run out of Evangeland in the years to come…