Belfast Observations

So wife-unit and I had a delightful time in the capital city of the eventually-to-be-formed Republic of Northern Ireland over the weekend. She had a thrilling time jousting with other chin rubbing philosopher types and I trooped around the city wearing my GAA jersey over my Presbyterian robes just to confuse people. Here are some of the things I noticed:

    People drive very fast in first gear in Belfast
    Girls in Belfast must get a tax benefit for skin exposed because they dress like it’s Rio. I never knew girls’ legs went so far up. I had my innocence robbed. When can I get it back?
    An unexpected benefit of all those fearless Christians who don’t like to do any type of fun activity can lead to death, there are a huge number of great coffee shops in Belfast and they stay open late. Common Grounds was an object of envy for me but Bookfinders just stole my cold hard heart and sold it for £1.50.
    I had to check the cash twice when it came out of the ATM because it just actually looks like a child’s idea of money.
    Due to a strange law dating from the reign of Queen Matilda III, every woman in Norn Iron gets a GHD hair straightener when she “comes of age”. It’s the law.
    People in Union Theological College are so nice that you could almost imagine you know, studying there. Then you “catch yourself on” (I learned much of their language) and go fill in the applications for colleges in real cities.
    In over twenty visits, I’ve never been in Belfast without it raining.

Your Correspondent, Whitey’s still on the Moon

9 Responses to “Belfast Observations”

  1. jimlad says:

    I’m sending your innocence in the post. It actually got misdirected to me by those Northies, for some reason. Mine does actually look quite like yours, so that must be it.

    I reckon they like driving fast in any gear, which could lead to death, but then I hear no one up there believes in death, something about an afterlife, some place called heaven? Apparently it looks quite like Belfast.

  2. zoomtard says:

    If heaven ends up like Belfast, I’m going all Satan on that crock of shit!

  3. lilytodd says:

    ‘We love this city and we love these streets.’ copyright Robin Mark.

    Mock at you peril, you’ll git yer pan knocked in or yee windees done..

    NB. The only time we don’t use our straighteners is when we’re taking the piss out of RIverdance.

  4. zoomtard says:

    I am glad that you and Robin Mark can love the streets thru the power of Paisley or Christ. I am sure you’ll find it in their hearts to love even me and my mocking of your city.

    You can mock Riverdance but don’t dare start knocking the spire or I’ll ring the army and we’ll take back Newry.

  5. Vox O'Malley says:

    Be careful with Lilytodd, she’ll have “we love this city and we love these streets” written on her tombstone.

    I jest not… hers is the only family were a family sing song is not complete without the classic:

    “Oh Bel-fast, you call to me, when I am far away I think of thee,
    Your Black mountain, Cave Hill, Shitty Hall,
    Caws Bridge, River Lagan, I’ve chucked my ring in them all”

    I think I may have adapted it.

  6. zoomtard says:

    Beautiful. Just beautiful. It’s so strange how we all have the same rose-tinted view of our puke lined streets.

    People in Belfast who are paid to serve you are much friendlier than people in Dublin. Your underclass is superior- I’ll give you that old chap.

  7. Nelly And I says:

    i think the general consensus is that you can have newry back again.

  8. I’m getting GHDs this Christmas. I’m so proud I’ve finally come of age.

    I was in your “capital” yesterday – you’re right about the shop assistants. I humbly declare the worst Belfast accent ever is better than the worst Dublin accent ever.

    And, we can hardly knock the spire any more as some numpty decided to plonk one on top of the historic and beautiful St Anne’s Cathedral.

  9. zoomtard says:

    Psst. It’s your capital too. You just don’t know it yet.

    😉