This Entry Will Be Convicted Of Identity Fraud.

So it seems that nothing aggravates the computer nerd readership quite like arguing that buildings are more significant than say, consumer electronic style-statements. To further aggravate the Apple lovers out there, let me reveal to you the carnage wrought by Neuro and I one Autumn afternoon last year on an innocent PowerPC that got left behind in our hot press. How we destroyed it.



Hammer -V- Mac, originally uploaded by Zoomtard.

The photos don’t quite capture the uproarious laughter involved. Pure. Evil.

The best part was when we bagged up all the shards of glass and ground them into the coffee of laptop-bearing Starbucks customers when they weren’t looking.

For those of you who aren’t computer nerds (which leaves the theology-nerds, the book-nerds and weirdly a huge contingent of knitting-nerds), I would like to worry you. It seems that the Antichrist will be an environmentally concerned pacifist who works for the unity of Christians from different traditions. Well that is according to Cardinal Biffi. I’d like to biff him. At least that means, with such acts of violence, that you can rest assured that I am not Antichrist. I love the part of the report that says people were surprised when the Crazy Cardinal was chosen to speak at such a big-deal event but maybe he “had perhaps been chosen because his “verbal fireworks” would keep listeners awake.”

I think I just saw the future of my career. “We need someone to talk crazy nonsense so that they don’t fall asleep in front of the press photographers!” “Ok. Roll in the Zoomtard.”

I will have to rent out Basic Instinct 2, RV, Lady In The Lake and Little Man 2 to celebrate the Razzie awards. The Departed is good and all but Children of Men was the best movie of 2007. Just like Eternal Sunshine was best in 2004 and Fight Club in 1999. Neither of them won either. For shame you idiot professional movie-makers in the “Academy”. I really need to join an “Academy”. Someone should set one up. Maybe Ann-Dee can establish the Eton Wall Game Academy and appoint me the Honorary Secretary.

I have decided I am going to write a novel. I know that might sound like a bit too much of a step for a man who has spent the afternoon sighing loudly to illicit sympathy from his wife because he had to write a sermon. A whole sermon! But I have figured out the scientifically perfect way to write a novel. I will set my intern, the Third K, to read the 100 greatest novels chosen by some esteemed Academy and he will take note of all the times a novel alludes to something that it then doesn’t develop. I will proceed to simultaneously write out some story in moderate detail. I can take any story. I’ll pick a news feature from the Indo one morning, lengthen it and change the names. Then when the Third K has managed to count all the allusions in the great novels that are tantalising toy-things to throw around in your mind during and after the reading, we will work out an average words per allusion rate by counting the number of pages in the top 100 novels. This figure, we shall call the AWAR-rate (pronounced Argh, since the second ‘a’ is silent), will be the key to writing a novel that gets reviewed well by all the brainiac publications. See, we will count out through our now completed story and at every AWAR-point (or threshold, to sound scientific), we will truncate whatever plot developments that are taking place in that paragraph. The novel is bound to become wildly successfully and cultishly lucrative. Clever nerdy girls will wear t-shirts alluding to the characters. They’ll want me to sign their cleavages. That is what happens with successful novelists.

I’ll also give all the characters names that refer to Greek mythology. That is so in.

Finally, for those of you who are at all interested or maybe convinced by James Cameron’s new documentary about the bones of Jesus (which he wants to DNA test?!), Prof. Richard Bauckham responds in a guest post over at the always-excellent theology blog Christendom. Its a full rebuttal of all the stupidity. I hope people never get tired of these silly conspiracy theories. It makes the job of the apologist so easy!

Your Correspondent, Working like a beaver in a coffee lake.

5 Responses to “This Entry Will Be Convicted Of Identity Fraud.”

  1. BetaMac says:

    I like Apple because I’m very cool.

    I also have the unusual distinction of having seen more of the Razzie Worst Picture noms than the Oscar Best Pictures. Little Man, I seem to recall, was particularly excruciating.

  2. jimlad says:

    I disagree with you on twelve points.
    1) It would have been interesting to see which would have won between the hammer and the computer, had you hit the hammer with the computer rather than the computer with the hammer. Attack is the best form of defense remember, so the hammer had a huge advantage straight off which had everything to do with your own blatant bias when setting up the experiment, and nothing to do with the design of either the computer or the hammer! Outraged.
    2) see point (3)
    3) see point (2)
    4) By this stage, if you’ve hit ctrl c and broken out of the loop created in the last 2 points, you will be too tired to understand this one, so I won’t even bother.
    5) – (12) So obvious I’m not even going to bother wasting time on them. But how can you argue against these objections? By being stupid? Maybe, yes?

  3. zoomtard says:

    I honestly, would not know, would I?

  4. jimlad says:

    Well then. I’ve won the argument because you clearly don’t have a clue about the issues. ie. Mac is better than PC.

  5. jimlad says:

    Wait! That’s not how I wanted it. I wanted PCs to be better! Damn my impeccable logic!