If The Queen Wins At The Oscars I Will Vomit

I asked my wife what I should write about since I have no idea. She suggested tits. Specifically blue tits. Instead I’ll share with you some smut for the discerning interweb user: Tea Birds. It is a website that serves as a library of photos of pretty girls drinking tea. My mind boggles. Your eyes will boggle.

LMNOP is a very fine website. Her entry on the glorious mercy that was the Grunge Era hit home with me. Thank God we’re not teenagers today. In fact, let me just sincerely thank God that I am not a teenager anymore. Teenagers are proof that Satan exists and he has a timeshare on every human soul.

A silly architecting friend left some architecting equipment in my house and I am going to take some time on Monday evening and utilise it for the production of Dharma initiative carriers for our beer. When you next come over to my house you are not to make fun of my nerd-dom. If you do, I will set the weirdy big black cloud that killed Ecko on you.

I love Lost. I can’t understand why people are losing faith in the plotline. I came late to this party. It was you out there, out there doubting the storyline who got me into Lost and now you’ve abandoned it thinking it too incredible and not really believing the end it promises is going to come. This has happened before people! Remember when I was a teenaged socialist and decried belief in God as a crutch and y’all convinced me that actually God was real and this big making-all-things-new project was just getting started and I should get in on the ground floor? Now look at me! I’m busy drafting theological documents and you can’t even get up on Sunday mornings.

But on March 3rd we get a chance to be reminded that there might, maybe be something, possibly going on that is bigger than you and me because there will be a total lunar eclipse. What a great opportunity to be reminded that your life is lit by a light from beyond the Sun! It’s on a Saturday. Someone could throw a lunar eclipse party. We could all dress up as our inner geeks! I could bring my Dharma Initiative Beer!

I got the most excellent news that I will be made an uncle for the fourth time last night. Niephew (the catch all term for nieces and nephews that I just made up) Number 2 was around yesterday. He noticed pavlova for the first time and asked,

What is that? Noisy ice-cream?

Argh! He is a beautiful little boy with a terrifying humming brain that vacuums everything in sight in to its web for processing. Maybe I am just feeling broody and sentimental or maybe I shouldn’t defend myself when I say this because I am profoundly right: kids make it possible for us to see the stunning, breathtaking intrinsic beauty that makes up every life. We get scarred and tired and jaded and familiar and burdened with our own shit and can’t see it so well with people who are like us, grown up, with fused skulls. Every new born baby is a sign that God has not yet lost hope with the world.

Maybe I am full of shit. Don’t worry though, since I now know the proper way to go to the toilet. You can know too by clicking here.

The Library UnSuggester gives you a list of books you’ll hate based on books you love. Its a cool idea but it doesn’t work because I tested it. There was a rigourous and complete empirical investigation undertaken in my office this morning when I submitted one of my favourite books, The Resurrection Of The Son Of God by N.T. Wright. In the top 25 books I wouldn’t like, there are two authors I have no interest in. I own about 18 of the 25 books listed. Maybe it will work better for you.

This is a funny idea. What would happen if we dropped French existentialists into battle against the Taliban? East Germany lives on in the form of a tiny Caribbean island that was forgotten during the reunification efforts. Neuro and I saw The 7th Seal this week. What a pile of crap! We’ve been watching lots of classic movies recently and an alarming number of them suck. This includes Gone With The Wind and The Graduate by the way.

I am fulfilling an ambition on Tuesday night. My best friend since we met in playschool and I are going to see Dave Matthews. Here is an article I found this morning that the only sexy white South African who isn’t called Charlize Theron wrote in Time Magazine of all places. If you throw that geeky lunar eclipse party, expect me to show up wearing a concert t-shirt.

You know what I said about classic movies? By the power of Greyskull, Hot Fuzz is a classic. When it comes out on DVD, we are going to have a Simon Pegg appreciation party. We’ll watch 4 episodes of Spaced (the best non-animated tv show ever, better than Sopranos, Lost, ER, West Wing, The Office, Arrested Development, The State, Fun Factory and Glenroe put together) followed by Shaun Of The Dead, followed by 4 more Spaced episodes, followed by Hot Fuzz, followed by 4 more episodes of Spaced. That party makes your stupid lunar eclipse party look pretty stupid. The same way Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like fuckin’ Shaft.

Your Correspondent, He’s not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.

5 Responses to “If The Queen Wins At The Oscars I Will Vomit”

  1. Disturbed Ex-Housemate says:

    My significant wife and I have just been discussing total lunar eclipses, and they FREAK US OUT. How come the moon is exactly the right size and distance, eh? And no, I’m not saying this is a sign of the big G’s providence, that’s shtewpeh, but seriously. Weird, right?

    Also, sign us up for the Simon Pegg appreciation party. Hot Fuzz was so unbelievably perfect.


  2. Greymalkin says:

    I agree totally with your view of hot fuzz.one of the best htings ever to hit the big screen interms of being cool and funny.I want an invite to that party.by the way i got spaced one and 2 for €9.99 each last xmas!hozwat?!!!

    There’s always something going on.like that guy in the purple tracksuit, why is he wearing that peaked hat????……………

  3. zoomtard says:

    And why don’t Tim and Daisy get it together!!?!

    Oh wait. That is not the same kind of thing at all.

  4. stigmund says:

    How dare you leave your offensive opinions all over the internet like that?! In your own journal an’ all!

    Spaced better than The Office! Gone With the Wind crap! Same with The freaking Graduate! And don’t get me started on the over-ratedness of Hot Fuzz. Man, I should just get my own blog.

    But all is forgiven: thank god for Tea Birds.

  5. zoomtard says:

    Spaced takes the Office outside and shows it that there is more than 1 way to make people laugh. Plus, my best friend breaks out in a cold sweat watching the Office but pees himself when watching Spaced.

    The two crappy crap movies don’t even need discussion.

    You didn’t like Hot Fuzz so much because you are racist against English people.

    I think I have dealt with your objections nicely, if I say so myself, which I do, which is unusual because I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, or toot my own horn, but if you are good, why not share it. Know what I mean?

    I think we can all take that 1st comment as an invitation to the Disturbed Ex-Housemate’s beautiful residence before his lease runs out for a blow-out Lunar eclipse extravaganza with papier mache models of the solar system and keg after keg of wheat-free beer!