Then a hot ninja lady befriended me…

Satan is crushing me with nefarious bacteria. I spent most of the week croaking like a Pop Idol reject and speaking in a drawling, self-pitying monotone like a truculent teen with barbed wire caught in his oesophagus. Usually that means there is a flood of Zoomtards. A veritable avalanche of Zoomtards. But it was strange this week. It is almost like I actually have real responsibilities. Not fake responsibilities like, “If I don’t watch this show I might never understand how a former childrens’ TV presenter could end up eating maggots”. Real responsibilities like, “If I don’t drive over to that hospital and donate my kidney, that baby lamb might die”. So because of the baby livestock and other important duties of mine I haven’t really stayed at home and recuperated.

As a cause of distress, illness has not been lonely in the life of Zoomtard this week. It has had lots of colleagues to spend time with. It definitely ranks high in the top ten list of crappy weeks. Work stress of magnificent proportions, really hard private-wrestling-with-self moments that lead to difficult decisions and a to-do list so cramped that I have had to run on alcohol means that although my throat is much better, I am still very inarticulate. Now, instead of a croaking, when I speak there is a soft sobbing. Its quite pathetic. Even the police officer who arrived to the scene first found time to sympathise with me when asking why I had crashed Cassius (the name of the new car because it floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee) into the sunroom of the local nursing home.

I am puffing up my hair, slathering my self in man-tan and donning a polyester suit on Sunday as I get my televangelist act on and preach to the captive audience of my church. The fools employed me so now they have to sit through my extended rants against the dangers of Christmas trees, Iron Maiden and big hats like the kind Garth Brooks wears. I am also speaking at NUI Maynooth on Tuesday evening. That topic is interesting: The God Delusion: Did Man Invent Religion?. Sure the invitation came late and I was sick at the time and I couldn’t see properly because my eyes were bleeding and there was a pain in my stomach caused by emotional turmoil but I said yes because wherever there is a chance to waffle on psuedo-intellectual themes, Zoomtard is there. I think we can all agree, the word hero applies.

The week after that seems good though. I celebrate a birthday. I am sure you are all planning your own celebrations as well to commerate my parents crowning achievement: me. Feel free to buy me loads of things from here. Now that gift would ROCK!.

I’ll get my coat.

I maintain that the worst driving to be seen on Irish roads takes place in carparks. People go mental and replace their decision making process with the guidance of a magic-8 ball once they see painted rectangles on the ground. Still, cars are less dangerous in car parks than squids in car parks. This is not a party political protest but National Geographic have an amazing web gallery to go along with their documentary on life in the womb in the animal kingdom. Let’s let it slip that they are perpetuating the myth that human beings are not animals and just enjoy the wonder. These photos are astounding. Finally, before I leave to take my medicine, check out just how hip Christian music can actually be.

Your Correspondent, A really cool kisser but not that strict of a Christian

3 Responses to “Then a hot ninja lady befriended me…”

  1. Teragram says:

    So how up-to-date is your amazon wishlist — out of curiosity, like.

    Tg

  2. zoomtard says:

    Massively so. 🙂 Type in zoomtard@gmail.com and you’ll see just how big a nerd I aspire to be. 🙂