Remind Me To Bring In The Washing

So Bubba Ho-Tep is on right now. I’m gonna blog it. It starts with Elvis lamenting his inability to you know, ready himself, sexually. Elvis, by the way, is not dead but living in a nursing home in Texas.

I am sure you have seen the following commercial by now but because I am always about a year or two behind all trends, I will offer it up to you. The Beauty Myth is a scourge. Hopefully ads like this will tackle it, even if there is something worryingly broken about us relying on the beauty industry to relieve the oppression created by the beauty industry.

In the movie, a kleptomaniac old lady has just been bitten by a giant bug who forced her out of her bed and didn’t die when she walloped it repeatedly with a walking stick. This is not so difficult to understand when you remember that the bug was owned by a ghoulish old farmer monster thing. So far, I have to admit that this nursing home is not going to be the ideal place to send Neuro’s parents when I want to get the money from the trust fund early.

Michael J Fox is an icon of my childhood. I can distinctly remember as a 6 year old boy desperately wanting to be as cool as Marty McFly. I admit it, I really wanted to be the dork he played in Family Ties. I am not really the kind of guy who likes reading biographies of celebrities but for some reason we ended up buying Lucky Man and it shocked us. It was a brilliant read, honest, interesting, not ghost-written, painful account of his early-onset Parkinsons disease. Judging from his biography, Fox is the most famous advocate of embryonic stem cell research since other notable victims like say, John Paul II were unlikely to support that kind of experimentation. There is a constitutional ammendment proposed in Missouri and Fox has made a quite compelling ad encouraging people to oppose it.

This is a quite brilliant movie by the way. Elvis swapped identities with an Elvis impersonator to try and get some space and calm. But the Elvis impersonator lived drink and drugs even more than the real Elvis and died, leaving the real Elvis trapped as a two-bit Ersatz Pressley. His best friend in the nursing home was JFK.

Women were throwing themselves at me because they thought I was Elvis. Except I was Elvis.

JFK was “killed” by the CIA and dyed black and sent to the nursing home. Devious baxtards. Elvis just tussled with the cockroach and toasted it with a lamp.

So Fox makes just about as great a case as one can make in 30 seconds but some other people, including JC himself, have come back with a response. It all makes very interesting watching.

I would say that this is an untypically reasonable debate for American politics. Hey! I’ve never been to America but I trust my Guardian-reading, Irish Times-imbibing opinion is accurate when I state that all American political debate consists of a legalist fundamentalist calling a dull-minded liberal “godless” while the “liberal” goes along with invasion policies. Of course, I am kidding. I would never let the Irish Times pass my eyes. That sub-Troskyite rag belongs in its own circle of hell. I am being distracted by the movie. Kemosabe is ambushing the old folks while they have breakfast. JFK is feaked out because Lyndon Johnson is coming to finish him off. Anywho, the debate is brought back to its natural gutter level by Rush Limbaugh, right-wing shock-jock idiot who has claimed Fox intentionally held off his meds so his shaking would be worse.

Elvis got his mojo back. The old rascal.

Its really shocking to see Limbaugh mimic Fox so brutally. Even after all that has gone before, the cynicism is jaw dropping. Limbaugh is the kind of guy who has made a career out of winning, regardless of the cost. He is not medically trained. He has no basis to declare that Fox was exploiting his illness for political gain. While Limbaugh is not a doctor, he does know more than his fair share about inflating symptoms for malicious purposes. In June he had to make a deal with Californian police because of his addiction related prespcription fraud. Hypocrisy is obviously not something that is just native to evangelical Christianity! (Zing!)

It turns out that the late President Lyndon Johnson is not out to kill JFK. Instead, it seems an Egyptian mummy is sucking the little, tiny souls of the OAPs in the nursing homes and killing them. But a pensioners’ soul is shrunk with age and so the loo-roller needs to kill someone every night. JFK and Elvis decide to go to ask not what their nursing home can do for them but ask what they can do for their nursing home and go to war instead of letting some mummy’s lips “suck the life out of their arsehole”. If you haven’t ordered this dvd already you are not even worthy to be called toilet water decoration.

The nature of blogging, of the internet, of mass media, is that we try and address issues as monumentally huge as embryonic stem cell research in 60 second bites. But thankfully, there are some people who have taken the time to digest the issues at hand and make them comprehensible. We call these people ethical philosophers. My wife could be one of those but she is really turned off by the sex and the drugs and the philosopher worship so instead she is a glorified PA. But she dealt with a connected area once and you should read it. You will never have any doubts ever again and really, isn’t that the way to live? Completely and totally sure you are right in every possible way.

The mummy disguised himself as tree bark! That indignity should never be threatened on JFK’s bum. No!

Even though I am married and therefore incapable of sexual sin, there are some members of the opposite sex who I quite fancy. Now that I work for the Presbyterian church I have to pretend I don’t fancy Michael Stipe anymore. But one lady I have a great big crush on is Nellie McKay. Her first album is among my top ten albums ever and it turns out (but don’t tell my wife who also fancies her because it will ruin the surprise!) she has a new album called Pretty Little Head. She had to fight with evil big corporation Sony to get the rights to this album back so now she joins Aimee Mann in our venerated Hall Of Subversive Anti-Hegemony Fame. She isn’t for everyone, but she is for me. Check out this video and see if she is for you.

I hate it when mummys punch me! Fight the good fight Elvis. He isn’t a zombie. You can take him!

I will let you in on my writing method for Zoomtard. I make a coffee or a tea. I sit down. I try to remember the cool things I have found and the things I thought which I thought were thought-worthy. Avid readers, if they exist, will understand why my posts can be so damned long since I just write them, publish them and edit the typos that I can find and leave it at that. But between now and Christmas, to provide you with a better, fresher, long lasting, less rubbery tasting Zoomtard experience, I am going to try and cap my entries. Still, I am not giving up the Smartypants principle that has guided me since the beginning. Posts should be 1000 words long at least. At least!

But not 20,000, you’ll be glad to read.

In the 6 months since the (Red) Campaign was launched it has brought in £10 million. That is not a large amount in the grand scheme of things but is more than private corporate donations managed to scrounge up for AIDS and debt in Africa over the last 4 years. Go consume to make the world a better place. That is almost as freaky as Dove telling us not to be lured in by the unrealistic ideal of beauty. Still, God has a sense of humour about saving the world so the tactic might work. In my final YouTube of the day, here is a cool ad by, which just proves that if you want to be cool like George Clooney, in the General Election next year there are even more pressing concerns than that bypass around your home town or whether or not private hospitals should get tax relief.

The movie has ended. All is well. Except JFK and Kemosabe are dead. Also, Neuro and I booked a holiday. Yay! LMNOP is a blog I found recently which is just delightful. You will agree. Alot of pleasant sugar energy will be squandered over the coming months because of Richard Dawkins’ new book, The God Delusion. Dawkins is a better read, better funded mirror image of Ken Ham or Kent Hovind. The great sociologist and literary critic Terry Eagleton takes him to town and calls him on his shit.

What, one wonders, are Dawkins’s views on the epistemological differences between Aquinas and Duns Scotus? Has he read Eriugena on subjectivity, Rahner on grace or Moltmann on hope? Has he even heard of them? Or does he imagine like a bumptious young barrister that you can defeat the opposition while being complacently ignorant of its toughest case? Dawkins, it appears, has sometimes been told by theologians that he sets up straw men only to bowl them over, a charge he rebuts in this book; but if The God Delusion is anything to go by, they are absolutely right.

I notice that Dawkins is called an author on his website, which is more accurate than calling him a scientist. Move him out to propagandist and I think we’ll have a deal. For the record lads, Genesis 1-3 is not a scientific account of the creation of the space-time universe. Science however, can’t say anything about the question of God, delusion, illusion or just a book filled with his confusion.

Your Correspondent, Wrote the scuttling theme tune to your life

2 Responses to “Remind Me To Bring In The Washing”

  1. Teragram says:

    It’s a pity the ad uses a lever voting machine instead of a piece of paper though 🙂