Insomnia Turns Me Off

This is a call-out to all the readers of Zoomtard who live in Ireland. Have you been finding it difficult to sleep recently? On account of our BOOMING ECONOMY! It just keeps exploding and disrupting my sleep with its trumpeting and the take off of countless Gaeltacht based tech start-ups. I am very appreciative of our ten year long rising tide but couldn’t the industrialists be a little more quiet while they are lifting all our boats?

See, I have a German intern from Bremen. She studies English and Religious Studies in that fine northern city and she mocks Ireland quite a fair bit. In fact, as an unpaid volunteer, her day pretty much consists of slagging off Ireland whenever her time isn’t consumed with slagging me off. Its a good exchange we have going on.

One of the running battles we’ve been having about our respective nations over the last 6 weeks has been why Germany’s powerhouse economy and their world renowned efficiency is floundering whilst Ireland with its shoddy workmanship, rip-off prices, cobblestone infrastructure and perpetually tipsy workforce is whipping its Teutonic brother around the economic boxing ring. One of the reasons may be that we don’t give a shit about rules and so bring a whip into the boxing ring. The Germans, on the other hand, will reprimand a fellow citizen for crossing a road without the help of a green man because of the poor example you are setting the children.

Won’t someone please think of the Kinder! Neuro does. She loves both the chocolate and their advertisements. I am going to convince her that it is called Kinder because chocolate is what they make their children out of in Germany. Then she’ll let me go on holidays there for 14 weeks this summer. You might say that Neuro would see through such a foolish lie but I have a secret weapon up my sleeve. Diagrams. Neuro is bad at maths and hates diagrams. If I give her an equation represented by a line graph, she gives in.

Anyway, Germany has ridiculous laws about sacking people and it is insanely difficult to get rid of staff over there. Its not an exaggeration when I say that you can murder your boss and still have a right to a job. Ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration. But I’d reckon that the law maintains your right to a redundancy cheque in Deutschland. This is of course, very different to Ireland.

Here, you can be sacked for having the wrong opinion on the Keano affair, pronouncing “th” as “th” instead of simply “t”, getting pregnant or even in some cases, being really corrupt.

All that having been said, I worked in a government department throughout my university summer days and there was a case of sexual harrassment where the assailant didn’t get fined or sacked or prosecuted. Instead, he got moved to a different floor in the same building.

Perhaps the reason that Ireland’s economy is growing like the waist of an obese child taken to the Coca Cola Factory and Germany’s is lagging like that obese child after a sadistic PE teacher forces him to run 16 laps around the school pitch is that flexibility provided by the ease with which we can sack our staff. Its even easier to rid yourself of dead wood if your employee is a foreigner on a work permit. You can either just terminate their employment or call on the services of government assasins and terminate them.

I am no economist. My little brother who is 18 thinks he is a great economist and maybe he will comment and tell us how to keep ahead of the Germans. I am no materialist and don’t particularly feel a need for any more money. But I desperately need our economy to keep outstripping the Germans, if only to give me something to throw at my intern during my incessant tantrums when I have already flung all the lamps, mugs, plates, dogs, mobile phones and bibles I can find.

So on this fine summer Saturday, lets pay homage to the man who made it ALL possible: Charlie.

No. Not that Charlie. This Charlie.

Your Correspondent, A bagless vacuum for trivia.

2 Responses to “Insomnia Turns Me Off”

  1. stig says:

    With all that talk of factories, obese kids and Germans I was expecting *this* (the one true) Charlie. Honestly.

  2. Zoomdahl says:

    Yeah, you can’t complain you Dahl-fanatic. I gave you a link to a picture of the little Teutonic tubawub.

    Johnny Depp, if you are reading this, (which you no doubt are), you better not mess up the remake!