The Rules of Office Flirting

One of the great benefits of my job is that if there are any culturally significant events relating to Christianity happening, I am entitled to indulge and call it work. At length this year, that has meant dissecting airport novels but this week I got to go see a movie at 10.30 in the morning with my tall German intern and get paid for it (lowly, I’ll admit).

Constantine stars Keanu Reaves and claims that there is a longer version of the Bible in hell. In the initial comic book, he was based on Sean Bean and was a dry Londoner. In the movie, he is based on a plank of fine looking mahogony, or maybe an unblemished block of marble and he is a standard issue version of what Hollywood thinks is “cynical”. He is dying of lung cancer and he is darned angry with God.

Why, you ask? Well, as we’ve seen so many times before, he is angry because God cursed him with the ability to see demons and he committed suicide and went to hell and then got brought back into this life and was allowed to live but he had to give up his neutrality and start kicking the asses of demons all around the bowling alleys of LA and send them back to their “plane” like a cross between Ray from Ghostbusters, the Croatian guy from E.R. and that seriously intense priest who always delivers his lectures in a whisper down at St. Pat’s.

When are we going to get a new reason for being angry with God?

Anyway, this movie really makes you appreciate how good Da Vinci Code is. Both of them use the same technique- they layer small lie on top of small lie until they have woven an intricate web of convincing half- and mis-truths. To challenge any of the individual lies makes you seem petty or needlessly pedantic but to challenge the tapestry of lies as a whole takes a crapload more time than it takes John Constantine to send a demon back to hell.

Christian Rap exists you know. I just wanted to shock and scare you out of your complacency.

I am digressing now into the question of evil again. But back on topic, Constantine sucks so badly because it is so deeply boring. My friend, C, assures me the comics were good but I stopped reading comics when they cancelled Roy of the Rovers. Constantine flops so badly because it doesn’t tell lies that anyone can either believe or more importantly, want to believe.

Da Vinci Code is in part so successful because people feel angry at the churches and deeply distrust them after decades (and indeed centuries) of hypocrisy, manipulation and shite-hawkedness. As such, a novel about a conspiritorial Catholic Church, secular knowledge challenging the power of religion by being more and more competent (Harvard symbologist…) and most importantly the kernel of secret truth that you, yourself, can become privvy to, is a delightful prospect to many folks.

Those same people aren’t as excited by demons using little girls to cross into our “plane” and daggers that killed Jesus being wrapped in a NAZI flag (Swastikas mean PURE EVIL in Hollywood) and hidden underground in Mexico and superhero priestly types living at the back of bowling alleys and suicided psychics trapped in hell sending messages back to their twin via a cat and the list of nonsense goes on. None of the nonsense appeals to the prejudices of our day, to the religious zeitgeist and so Constantine flops.

Now that I think about it, there is more than enough in that plot to make an excellent religious/action movie satire and that would totally rock. You could make a hilarious mockery of the Rambo genre if your lead character was a priest.

There are a lot of whispers down on the floor of ZoomOffice and the cubicles are alight with talk that the CEO intends to write a new entry every day for this month. If it is true, expect a lot of boring Christian crap that only appeals to the guys at blogs4god, because his head is filled with that at the moment. If it isn’t true, mark it down as his April Fool’s trick, alongside his shambolic beard experiment.

Your Correspondent, Creation Scientists Don’t Want Him On The Curriculum

8 Responses to “The Rules of Office Flirting”

  1. Playa Hater says:

    Oh my GAWD! Are you saying that trashy fiction and trashy movies aren’t the best place to learn about religion? Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong, then.

    Next thing you’ll be telling me that Barney isn’t an anatomically correct dinosaur.

  2. Garth Ennis says:

    Next you’ll be saying Hellboy and Spawn aren’t real either!
    Or that it is scientifically impossible for a man to be faster then a speeding bullet and leap buildings in a single bound.
    Fictional, say it with me, fictional. Constantine was fantasy were they replaced elves and goblins with demons and angels. Haven’t seen the movie but it does sound a bit crap.
    And I don’t know why Catholics keep complaining about the Da Vinci Code. It was the first time I’ve thought about Jesus and all those new gospel stories in years, so what if he was married with a couple of kids, he’s still a great guy who died on the cross etc.

  3. neuro-praxis says:

    So. Garth.

    First time reading Zoomtard was it?

    Your fundamental misunderstandings are either newbie mistakes or an incredibly witty April Fool’s joke.

  4. neuro-praxis says:

    That sounded harsher than it was meant. Forgive me. I just made a stor fry so greasy my arteries slapped me.

  5. neuro-praxis says:


    Excuse me while I have a little cry.

  6. Tardzooming says:

    Dear Commenters,
    Thanks for commenting. Sadly, I am neither Catholic nor a man able to finish this sente

    I am however, someone who spends all his working time with students talking about Christianity and I am employed in part to engage theology with contemporary culture. People take the Da Vinci Code seriously. The Da Vinci Code takes itself seriously. The Da Vinci Code is also a fiction and it is part of my job to be able to say where.

    Same goes for Constantine except no one will believe it because as I have already stated in the post, it is a boring piece of crap.

    I love sleep. So goodnight.

    Infra Red Zoom.

  7. “Garth Ennis”/Anonymous: A lot of people are thick. Seriously. I’ve heard people talk about sci-fi/fantasy beliefs systems (ones undeniably invented by the author) as being valid.

    Seriously. I think they were Discworld ones. Yes, SERIOUSLY.

    You should also know that the message “only really clever people believe this” is exceptionally powerful. This is the Emperors new reality.