Dance off at Rainbow Bridge

I went into the capital city of our fine Republic yesterday and found myself in Urban Outfitters with my wife, laughing at the irony of the commodification of Ché Guevara. If you have never visited this particular centre for narcissistic consumption in Temple Bar or if you aren’t at all familiar with the store because you are from a foreign loser country like Finland or Benin, then let me describe the 3 floors of fashionable plastic homeware and polyester cuttings passed off as clothes that is Urban Outfitters. Urban Outfitters is the kind of shop that sells books for people so wealthy, they pay someone to have a concentration span for them. We bought a birthday card that cost €45.69.

I am engaged in a battle to the death with neuro-praxis over a little issue called theology. For some reason, in recent weeks, she has demanded that all theological conversation should take place either in German or in cartoon form.
Battles to the death can be so boring because they can go on for the rest of your life. Thankfully for neuro’s sake, I shall win this battle and so it will never have a chance to get boring… at least until Embee’s eulogy enters its third simpering hour of empty platitudes.

Aside from threatening to kill my wife online and buying cards made out of Frank Zappa’s bodily fluids, I have spent most of this week writing stuff for students. I have a pleasant job.

The best way to come up with things to write about in Zoomtard is the comments section. This week, two real people, Stig and Bonzo, wanted me to write about Million Dollar Baby. That is a pleasant change from the older type of comments I used to get which always wanted me to buy different types of aphrodisiac or play poker online or read “sex stories man wife daughter india”.

According to the boffins at the Academy, Million Dollar Baby was the best movie of last year. Now we all know that is not the case. St. Charles Kaufman’s amazing ESSM was the movie above all other movies. I love it and watch it often. Also, why was the Station Agent not nominated?

The blatant shithawkedness of the Oscars this year is proven by the way that the Passion was pretty much ignored. Whatever your views on Christianity, Gibson or even your enjoyment of the movie, it can’t be argued that it isn’t a masterful artistic piece. It is visually and aurally striking (most movies made by Catholics are nothing more than 60 seconds of paintings of Mary backed up by some bells). It is astonishingly cohesive and gripping considering the subject matter (remember that the last big religious epic was the worst movie ever made). It is daring in the elements of its presentation (most movies in Aramaic are sit-coms grown long). Most notably, in terms of its single-minded focus on its goal, the Passion was a movie that came closer to art than I’ve seen since the late 80’s.

Instead of having the best movies nominated for the Best Movie Oscar, they decided to nominate the most recent movies. Ray was nothing but an hour and a half long impersonation. Remember when Johnny Cash died it became all cool to like Johnny Cash and lots of people jumped on a bandwagon that Jennifer Knapp rightly owned? Well, that is now going to happen with Ray and the Academy are the first Johnny-come-lately hopalongs. Sideways is a movie targeted at film critics as cleverly as the Passion was targeted at Christians. Christians really want to be like the Christ. Borderline alcoholic film critics desperately want to be regarded as wine buffs and score with chicks in a way higher league than them. Finding Neverland as a best movie nomination is simply inexplicable. When the Incredibles isn’t nominated but this piece of fluffy cock is, Apocalypse is just around the corner. Get the Johnny Cash songs ready. Aviator was, it seems the best movie nominated.

But Million Dollar Baby won. It is a movie about boxing. And relationships. And it uses the punching as a metaphor for the difficulty of relationships and how it hurts man, it hurts. But its worth it. If you haven’t seen the movie and would like to, stop reading now. Read this instead. If you are a Christian nerd, read this too.

Clint Eastwood plays a psychotic boxing coach who has killed fourteen previous charges by leaving knives, or bear-traps or stools in the ring so their boxer-slave can fall upon them and perish. For some reason, an angel played by Morgan Freeman (who is the actor of choice for saintly, humble roles) lives in a cupboard and tries to get him to finally do good by a student. The first half of the movie has Clint doing a Mr. Miyagi on Hilary Swank’s character. Then in the 2nd half of the movie, his evil side gets the better of him and he arranges for a prostitute NAZI to put his trailer-trash protogé out of business. The boxing business that is. PERMANANTLY. The relationship flounders and she dies and the metaphor leads us to believe that boxing is worthless. Also, there is nothing wrong with the youth in Asia.

Hilary Swank won an Oscar. This is because she had to do preparatory work for the film by body-building and such like. The Oscar can never be given to an actor for a role that didn’t require craft, where craft means preparation. The exception that proves the rule is Jamie Foxx’s impersonation of Ray. She began her speech with “What a surprise!” You are fooling no one, Swanker. No one can have won 2 Oscars and starred in The Next Karate Kid without selling their soul to Satan who faxes her the future in bullet points at the start of every month. She only took this role to reminisce about the good old days of Sgt. Kesuke Miyagi but it has done good by her, what with Success and Victory being taken out of Reneé’s house, loaded onto a truck and delivered to her front door.

Basically, Million Dollar Baby is a movie about an issue that suits the profile of voters in the Academy. Therefore, it won. And the cast of Aviator and Martin Scorsese can give up any hopes of being acknowledged and start planning for their back-up careers as opticians or chemical engineers. That Scorsese hasn’t got the chops to make it in the cut and thrust world of Hollywood. And it doesn’t matter if Million Dollar Baby was a rush job in 37 days, it was destined to win because it looked favourably on a character with mental disability.

Hilary Swank though, is hot. Also, she was in the Core, possibly the worst movie to not have John Travolta in it. Ever.

In truth, I loved Million Dollar Baby and it gave me a whole new understanding of the issue, perhaps because it jumped up on me by surprise. I thought I was going to see Rocky XV: A Girl Rocky.

One thing I hate though, is political canvassing outside churches in the run-up to an election. We’re having an election in my area next week (which Ddmmyy. has written about hilariously) and they were all hanging outside the RC Church today. Of course they weren’t around with us because we are Protestants and I guess all Protestants vote in England or something. Should I ever end up the minister in a church, force me to stand by this threat: if anyone tries to politic at the gates of my building I will chase them away and put up a sign detailing Jesus getting all medieval in the Temple when the House of God got turned into a convienient den of worldly affairs and a threat that anyone who tries to disobey Rev. Hardass Zoomtard will be publicly beaten from my pulpit the next week. Hold me to it, my Internets.

I have to go continue my running battle with neuro. She has made me pasta with a fairy liquid sauce. It will be delicious, soft and deadly!

Your Correspondent, Eagerly anticipating the return of West Coast Rap.

6 Responses to “Dance off at Rainbow Bridge”

  1. John says:

    To my shame I still haven’t seen Million Dollar Baby. More “Theology Buffs” please!


  2. adrian says:

    Hey, that’s actually quite unfair. I remember Justin Timberlake gushing about Johnny Cash while he was still alive. The reason being that he was nominated for best male. The video for Hurt was played frequently, too.

    Stick to what you know: everything in the entire world except music.

  3. Hey Adrian,

    One of these days you’ll leave a nice comment here.

    At that point, the staff of Zoomtard Regional Offices will get a half day.

    Zoomy may not be pursuing an MA in music, but his final year Computer Science project was genetic algorithm that generates monophonic mobile ring tones. He therefore, knows from research, that music is utterly and depressingly subjective. Therefore, he knows he doesn’t need to know anything.

    Yay for ignorance.
    Zoom Tremblo

  4. neuro-praxis says:

    Adrian, this uppity thing you do here is mean.

  5. stig says:

    That Christian nerd article was quite brilliant. Thank you.

    So sorry to hear you liked Million Dollar Baby. While I currently have no reason to hate it (I still haven’t seen it), hearsay and grapevine talk (as good as, really) have pretty much guaranteed I’ll give of my precious time and good money just to be able to rant about it to/with/at others.

    I’m a petty, petty man.

  6. adrian says:

    From now on only nice comments. I do like your template, y’know. And this is a nice font. Hurray!