Your Ignorance Is Making My Ears Cry

If my car were actually a girl, like I dream when I anthropomorphize it all over the roads of Ireland by naming it and stroking it and whispering sweet nothings to the dashboard while stuck in traffic, then I imagine the exhaust pipe would be the lungs. I am mechanically challenged. But Aiya went in to car hospital for a lung transplant and came back like the Six Million Dollar Man of automobiles.

Of course, the Six Million Dollar Automobile would not have been a hit show since we were rebuilding cars back when Moses and Mohammed built the pyramids. But I dropped the car off at the home of the moustachioed mechanic and shared some masculine talk about GAA and engine oil and penile girth and then he reassured me that, “we can rebuild him, we have the technology but you have very little money so I’ll use Yugo parts and hope for the best”.

Aiya has now returned from the hospital and it has a shower installed where the rear seat once was. But I can still listen to the radio which is useful because since I went on the medication I get lonely for those voices I hear no longer. Eamon Dunphy is the closest thing I can find to voices in my head. His sleazy voice reminds me of the good old days.

Speaking of media-types who are famous for being assholes, Mr. Kevin Myers is in considerable trouble on this day for an article in that sub-Trotskyite rag that passes for a newspaper, The Irish Times. Mr. Myers, who was born in Leicester but for some reason writes “The Irishman’s Diary” called single mothers (from now on, MOBs, Mothers of Bastards) all kinds of horrible names including “backward”, “lazy”, “unmotivated” and “confused”. The professional shit-stirrer then went and attacked the bastards themselves, the children. This has pushed the liberal elite in my fine nation into a crazed and rabid over-drive.

Myers offers us what he calls an argument but he must be lazy, confused and somewhat unmotivated because what he gives us is a string of backward brain farts phrased in the fashion of an argument. Case closed say the readers of The Zooming Times.

Well not quite. The humiliation that comes along with having such a mangy diatribe filled with cheap generalisations and lines of reasoning that wouldn’t even convince a drunken, stoned FOB (Father of Bastard) attached to your name isn’t enough for the crack team of intellectuals that run our country.

Mary Upton TD, and Senator Joe O’Toole, in their response, have revealed themselves to be living, breathing, walking social experiments to see if anyone would realise if you tried to dress feral children up as politicians and pass them off as opinion-formers. Both of them have seriously floated the idea of charging Mr. Myers with incitement to hatred.

Well, I am typing with one hand because with the other I am calling a lawyer. Mary will find this site someday and charge me with hate crimes, either for demonising supposedly liberal politicians or feral children. I am not quite sure who I insulted.

I don’t like Kevin Myers’ article. Except maybe for the bit at the end where he has a go at Sinn Féin:

“naturally. After all, Sinn Féin/IRA have strong proprietorial feelings about single-parent families, having made hundreds and hundreds of them out of what had originally been two-parent families: why, God love them, they’ve even dabbled in making a good few no-parent families.”

I don’t agree with Kevin Myers’ article. I do think it was offensive. I mean, some of my wife’s best friends are single mothers! 🙂 He crosses the line into vulgarity as he tries to express a view held by many (in more moderate form). Yet we must protect his rights to express these views. The most dangerous reaction is Mary Upton’s self-righteous “these views are too dangerous to be widely disseminated” reaction.

See, there was once a fairly deadly lad called John Stuart Mills. He was a feminist and a utilitarian, which is a philosophy created by his dad and his friends. Mills wrote this flipping brilliant (and easy to read) book called On Liberty and in it he proposed an idea about freedom of speech that I hold dear to.

Basically, it is that when we come across wrong views, even dangerous views, even hate-inciting views, the best response is with a robust and strident defence of the truthful view. If we start repressing some arguments, then we run a threefold risk.

: We will miss an opportunity, in defending the truth, to elaborate on the benefits and beauty of the truthful position.
Two: We will have less things to think about and then our brains will be more restful but then we can easily slip into a coma. FACT.
Three: We will eventually ban good things.

The idea that anyone is out there just waiting for a distinguished West-Brit like Myers to say something controversial so they can unleash their Machiavellian plot of hatred against the group that used to be called (up until 1987 in Irish law) bastards is a laugh riot. When Mary Upton then somehow connected Myers and his article with Auschwitz on the Vincent Browne show, I strongly considered packing in my liberalism and sewing her lips together because her views were becoming dangerous-- -ly stupid.

See, if you were Mary Upton, you would almost certainly find that last paragraph insulting and offensive because your sense of humour was removed by visiting aliens in 1995, who also robbed what little common sense was in her brain and replaced it all with a book of political thought cobbled together from the lyrics of Sinéad O’Connor albums. But as long as my threat is nothing more than a lazy, unmotivated, backward rhetorical flourish, I should be free to say it. Myers wasn’t threatening to open a Magdalene Laundry in his garden shed. He wasn’t proposing that we round up all the single parent families and starve them of their E4 entertainment as punishment for rampant and decrepit immorality. He wasn’t proposing that single mothers should avoid cost to the State by aborting their babies.

Instead he was being a bit of an opinionated git. He was writing a column about a group of people who would rarely read his column for a different group of people who do read his column but rarely meet anyone from the first group. I think that is his job. He and John Waters have contracts that demand 67% gimpiness and muppetry every week. We might not like what he has to say, but I mean this literally, before God, we must protect his right to say it.

Your Correspondent, Inside Fashion Week

14 Responses to “Your Ignorance Is Making My Ears Cry”

  1. I hear John Waters has a terrible case of the nits; and with that amount of hair… well, let’s just say I don’t think there’s enough anti-lice shampoo on Endor to help.

  2. adrian says:

    ‘Wrong views’, huh? Scorning Myers for not being born in Ireland? Making fun of the mentally ill?
    I’m writing this comment with one hand… and masturbaing furiously with the other.

  3. neuro-praxis says:

    Well thank goodness you’re only masturbaing.

    I thought you were going to say you were masturbating, which would have been shocking.

  4. Zoomtard says:

    Dear Adrian,

    Zoomtard’s beloved official naysayer.

    I am going to go out on a limb here and claim that some views are wrong. Examples of these might be that single mothers are generally lazy or backward, that Jews should be exterminated for being Jews and that George Clooney can’t do everything better than everyone else.

    I mocked the idea that the Irishman’s Diary was written by a man born and raised in England.

    I don’t think I made fun of the mentally ill at all. In fact, I debated with C and M about whether I should go down that callous road and we decided agin it.

    Glad to continue my tradition of clearing up for you. 🙂


  5. adrian says:

    Hey! Don’t expect proper spelling from me I got a D in Jr. Cert. English, y’know.
    Zoomy, perhaps you could call the THOUGHT POLICE and send them to my house to explain why people who are mentally ill are a legitimate target and why to hold a critical view of single mothers(which I don’t by the way) is ‘wrong’.
    1984 here we come!

  6. Zoomtard says:

    I’m glad you gave me as good a reading as ever. Next time I try to make a point with more than 2 dimensions I will try and draw a parallel explanation for you in comic form.

    Has Mary Upton put you up to this? I spent the whole article supporting true free speech Adrian. Read the last sentence again.

    Can you show me where I slagged mentally ill people (and using your own illogic, why is that so “wrong”)?

    Finally, Myers deserves a certain amount of trouble because he grouped all single mothers into one massively feeble generalisation.

    Its 2005. Stop living in the past Adrian.

  7. Des says:

    Hi Kevin,
    I have to say , I really liked this article/blog post. Mainly cause whilst getting a lift to the train station , myself and my sister listened to the Marian Finuchane show. (I am sure thats not spelled correctly).
    The jist of the show was single mothers ringing in to say that Myers had made them feel small and unappreciated, and depressed. They think he should be in jail basically.

    I don’t know what I was more shocked at , the fact that these people were given airtime to cry about not liking a newspaper colum, or the fact that unmarried mothers actually read the Irish Times.

  8. I was planning on writing a blog entry on this very subject but have given up now since you more or less covered all of my points and, I daresay, with a degree of gravitas and intellectual rigour I don’t think myself capable of.
    I doff my hat to you, sir. And I will continue to defend Mr. Myers, and Mr. Waters, and Mr. O’Toole, and the rest of those contemptible D’Olier St. hacks, and the middle-class, middle-brow, middle-Ireland Daily Mail-in-sheeps-clothing chip wrapper rag that they write for til the day I die.
    Big up yourself!

  9. Zoomtard says:

    Wow. I thought I had the best insulting encapsualtion of the Times with my sub-Trotskyite jab. Once again, as you did in the matters of height and style and knowledge about the Smiths, you have trumped me #46.

    Des, stop lying. Single mothers don’t cry. They have a welfare officer to do that for them. 😉

  10. Caoimhe says:

    While I am more inclined to both defend Myers’ right to write his own column as he chooses and also to welcome debate on the issues (even thought that appears to have been lost in the mangle of outcrys over the use of a particularly sensitive word) I thought one point you made was really fair and correct.

    “He was writing a column about a group of people who would rarely read his column for a different group of people who do read his column but rarely meet anyone from the first group. I think that is his job. ”

    I hadn’t considered it from that perspective and I suppose it can be considered a bit lame from that point of view.

  11. Zoomtard says:

    I must be the worst writer in the world Caoimhe because my whole point is to defend the right of Myers and everyone else to write what they like.

    I go to slumber in a pit of angst!

  12. adrian says:

    Okay, yet another clarification: I wasn’t SERIOUS with that last comment, I was JOKING.

  13. stig says:

    Too right, Zoomy. People who say things against others expressing their opinions should be shot.

  14. stig says:

    Poor adrian. Lost his funny bone in a tragic masturbaing accident.