My Intentions Become Not To Lose What I Won

Things I Did Yesterday That Didn’t Make Me Look Cool

Allowing predictive text on my phone to send the word reduction instead of seduction in a flirty sms.

Getting caught by co-workers dancing lamely to Heaven Is A Place On Earth by Belinda Carlisle.

Spending a fortune on a book called “Exclusion and Embrace” by a Croatian theologian, Mirsolav Volf.

Things I Did Yesterday That Were Cool

Watched Moonlight Mile with my cinema-buddy Ange, who has developed a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal that tops even Orlando Bloom.

Finally returned my library books, which carry fines of about €5,670 on them.

Decided that if Maynooth Community Church ever gets around to building a church, then we need to have neon light installation art in the main lobby.

The evening before last I saw The Day After Tomorrow. Ha! An enjoyable and deeply insulting romp. If I was a member of the US Republican party, I’d be sickened. I am so glad that Roland Emmerich thought fit to inform me that American energy and environmental policy was decided by one man, the Vice-President at that, and that his motivations were purely based on economic growth. I had been deceived by the mainline media and by scientists, eggheads and boffins into believing that global warming is a complex problem with no simple solutions. Actually this whole time, the solution has been so simple that the filmmakers didn’t feel a need to point out exactly what it was.

As long as you watch it either for:
a) Jake’s buff yet nerdy handsomeness
b) Action sequences with wolves in them
you won’t go far wrong. Don’t try to take a message from it. Temperatures don’t drop by ten degrees Celsius a second folks.

Some folks think that “liberal environmentalists” will try to appropriate The Day After Tomorrow in the same way that “evangelical Christians” used The Passion of the Christ. The problem with this is that no self-respecting liberal or environmentalist or intersection of the two would ever see Day After as anything but enjoyable tosh for a rainy summer’s afternoon. It doesn’t represent their views. All it does is take a fringe theory in the field of climatologic research, hyper-inflate it until it looks like the scientific equivalent of Meg Ryan’s lips and then put Jake in the middle with all the buff yet nerdy handsomeness that goes along with that.

In evangelical Christianity there was a lot of talk about how constructive or helpful the Passion movie was going to be. I think that the case is closed on that this week since the company behind it all, Icon (I think) is re-releasing Donnie Darko in the cinemas. Not just in the arty cinema clubs this time. They have enough money to actually push it into the cinemaplexi of the Western World. Who-hooo! One more thing we can credit to the Prince of Peace.

I am off from work sick today. Ange has a cat and so that may have triggered the red-eye monstrosity that confronts me in the mirror everytime I walk into my bedroom.
The walls of my bedroom are covered entirely in mirrors by the way. Looking at myself is the only way I can get to sleep at night.

Britney is in Ireland tonight to play a concert. I’m so pissed off that the illness will keep me away from live renditions of such classics as “Boys”, “Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman” and “Flat Six-Packed Stomach Obsession Is Weird Since It Looks Like The Least Feminine Thing In The World And So On Some Deep Level Is Not Sexually Alluring To Me”.

Remember the Oops I Did It Again video? It’s a touchstone in any journey through the pop princess’ career. NASA launches a mission to Mars and their man on the ground finds a bizarre furnace/factory/dance-off staffed by humanoid martians who happen to be hot. That might have something to do with the hell like flames flying around the place haphazardly. Martian working conditions suck, apparently. Britney, clad in a one-piece red rubber suit and fashion suicide black boots is their leader. The astronaut is surprised and shocked. This is clearly not what they expected back in Houston.

Still he improvises as Britney dances and lip syncs. Towards the end of the video though, Brit somersaults through the air (embarrassingly bad special effects), takes the astronaut’s helmet off and they start to talk. The NASA guy can breathe in space you see.

This is where it gets weird. A strange voice in the back of the track can be heard to cry, “All aboard!” NASA guy gives her a piece of jewellery that turns out to be the piece of crap from the Titanic movie. The exchange goes something like this;
NASA Guy: “Before you go, there’s something you should have”
Brit: “Ah, its beautiful, but wait a minute, isn’t this--”
NASA Guy: “Yes it is.”
Brit: “But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end.” NASA GUY: (Proudly) “Well baby, I went down and got it!”
Brit: “Aww, you shouldn’t have.”
(Cue music more bombastic then ever. Brit and a thousand backing singers merged into one voice by Pro Tools sing “Oops I Did It Again!--”)

I’ve been trying to figure this all out and I think I got it. It’s a conspiracy theory wrapped up inside a pop video. Ever see the Dilbert where they find out NASA have left horny women on the moon who only fancy engineers? Well its all true. Except the sex crazed honeyz have been found on Mars and they have gone so long without the comforting embrace of a man that even NASA engineers can get lucky. Yet these Marian Amazonians demand gifts and so NASA were behind the 1911 sinking of Titanic. They collected all the abandoned loot and brought it to Mars to placate their inter-planetary mistresses.

Its just about coherent for a Roland Emmerich/Britney Spears summer time extravaganza. Seriously though, I don’t mind the raunchy dance moves and ambivalent sexual messages transmitted by Britney and her dancing slaves. The damage that’s being done to our youth is in the form of thought-process bruising. How can you expect to grow up logical when your childhood is saturated by messages that say:
1) NASA send men to Mars
2) Mars is inhabited
3) By ladies who wear rubber and dance
4) And work in a fire filled cave furnace
5) And Britney Spears is their boss
6) And NASA didn’t find this out before setting off for the Red Planet
7) And Britney can make people breath and not die of hypothermia on Mars without a spacesuit, presumably through the magic of the All Aboard Witchdoctor
8) And she falls in love with the astronauts
9) And the astronaut packed a necklace from the Titanic in case he met marriage material on Mars
10) And Britney is not impressed

Won’t somebody please think of the children! If we don’t teach them how to think gooder, then within a generation I predict that they will be making fucking idiotic decisions left, right and left again because they read in Heat magazine that the centre is high in calories. For example, they may doctor the constitution. They may decide to fiddle with citizenship so that you can be born in Ireland and still not be Irish. They may do this because of preposterous urban myths about foreigners conning our welfare systems and getting brand new BMWs instead of butter vouchers. They may try to solve a legislative problem with a constitutional solution. They may even consider voting for this constitutional change even though it brings about a reduction in our rights.

I know it sounds ridiculous to you now. But if we don’t start combating broken thinking then Irish people will be that stupid.

Your Correspondent, Remind Me To Write About Church Buildings Sometime

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