The Way Your Mind Works

I grew up with the Internet. Me, my sisters and brothers and the Internet. We shared a house and made do with what we had. Sometimes we failed and made people pregnant outside of marriage and sometimes we succeeded and wooed the head of the music school at a violin recital and so won that scholarship that set us on the course to fame, in a classical musical sense. Sometimes we were alcoholic. Then we weren’t. Wait, that is some weird version of Party of Five. Remember Party of Five? How quickly we forget.

Actually, I was thinking about the web this morning and how ubiquitous it is in our lives but how this time ten years ago it was all a mystery we never knew existed. How quickly we forget and how quickly things change because today it’s still a mystery to most people but at least they know about it. Party of Five was a pre-web program. Bailey never had an I-pod and the little annoying violin dunceface never got embroiled in a paedo chat-room dilemma.

I wasn’t an early adopter to Napster but I feel like I was an early adopter to Napster. We all do. Ooh the thrill of downloading a Skunk Anansie album without having to pay for it, then sneaking a zip drive into college and booting off one of the few Windows 95 computers that would allow you to use that prehistoric floppy disk on steroids to take your ill-gotten gains home. Its going to be hard to explain how exhilarating it all was to our kids.

These less than productive and original thoughts were stopped in their tracks when Bis and Amos, the local Jehovah Witnesses came round to talk to me. I have missed them the last five times they have called, much to the chagrin of the Housemates who have to shoo them away because they are all stocked up on crazy. I however am not. I wanted to take a brief tour through the crazy world where Jesus died on a stake, not a cross and this is somehow important, Christmas is for Satan and the Trinity doesn’t exist.

I began on an ecumenicist tack, trying to get them to consider the sinfulness of faulty doctrine. If we take the things we argue about out of the arena where we are playing with ideas and into some system where we acknowledge that the ideas have consequences and therefore can be sinful, the whole issue of theological disagreement seems to be simplified. If we sin when we are wrong about God by mis-interpreting the Bible through our own prejudices or our own honest brokenness, then we see how simultaneously it is very important and very much already dealt with.

In this scenario, getting God wrong is very bad. But the sin is already forgiven in Jesus’ sacrifice and so we are already redeemed, as long as we hold fast to and believe in the primary truth of Easter. I like this idea which may not be mine but which I came up with on my own. It is summed up in the line:
The Cross covers all sin, even doctrinal error.

Yet the Jehovah’s were having none of it. They still thought there was only one aspect to God, known as God the Father in Christian land and Jehovah in Heresy Land (capital city Jehovah Witness-ville).
I finally got them to be quiet a bit when I explained how I could be separated from my actions. Amos granted to me that the Holy Spirit was in the Bible and that She* was an active force of God’s in the world. I said, “Well, Amos, old buddy. I am a pleasant fellow, winsome and agreeable at all times. Except for the times when I am horrid and cruel, especially to cats and the French. Now I can act like a scoundrel and you will still count me as a gent, not a knave. This is because I am flawed and fallen and my behaviour and my actual “identity” can be broken in two. However, the big fella upstairs (here I may have clarified that I was talking about God and not Michael Collins. Although he was African he may have read much of that titan of our past in history books and I though best be safe) claims perfection and flawlessness. In that case, if His claim is true, then his actions and His self, or substance, or identity, or whatever you may call this property, cannot be separated because there is no separation in thought or action, feeling or doing, motive or deed in the perfect.”

Amos’ eyes went wide for a moment and then he moved back to why Christmas was satanic. However, go to my Fiancé if you want a more literal, less Zoomtard-as-hero account. Why would you want that though?

At this point, the old Chesterton chestnut is appropriate. Men love fairy tales and fantasies not because they tell them that monsters and dragons exist, but that they can be beaten. Why diverge from my fantasy fairy tale version of truth?

Now I am sitting out the back garden listening to birds sing, being stalked by the most ineffective cat ever (if I could send it back to the wild, it couldn’t hunt a hedgehog with Downs) and anticipating a small party of cool friends tonight because the summer has definitely arrived. I can tell by the large number of lawn mowers at work in the area and the alarming incidences of men without tops sitting outside pubs drinking beer down in the village. Oh Ireland, my heart sings for your summers.

Some of the party attendees will include a baby who is barely six months old, a bearded man who may be moving to Vancouver and a graphic designer from Memphis who sings beautifully and who is fixin’ to have a good time. As is the wont of men from that region. Pretty great selection for a square Christian gab-fest. You would be invited but you simply aren’t made of four equi-distant right angles.

Your Correspondent, Faster Than a Ray of Light


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